Misplaced

I have lost so many things in this life. Phone, keys (why can't I keep track of keys?), pens, emails, texts, boyfriends, books, clothes, girlfriends, laughter, sleep. I could count my years by what I've lost. They are numerous, yet less painful by far than losing you. Though really I'm not sure I ever had you. Ever knew you. Did you know me? Did you care? You gave me body and breath. These dark chocolate eyes, bubbling laugh, and milkwhite skin. A dimple just there when I smile. Oh you stole that smile so many times.  See what you made me do? No. Never. Not anything will you be. Were you jealous? I know your own life was so hard and empty. It left your heart the same. You rejoiced when I left. Reveled in finding my car still half full of my things, stealing it away under cover of creeping fog. There was nothing the police could do. It was in both our names. So many things I never saw again, thanks to you. The quilt Grandma made. The doll bed Dad made. Things handcrafted just for me, when you couldn't be bothered to keep a baby book. There were more losses. Fear. Over shoulder looking. Caring for everyone but me. Jumping to please. The fake smile saying I was fine when I was anything but. They took longer to lose, decades. When the facade of your love was gone in an instant. Overnight and over years, I was changed. But one thing I am glad of, I could never lose me.
© Amber Keating, 04.02.18