Misplaced

I have lost so many things in this life. Phone, keys (why can't I keep track of keys?), pens, emails, texts, boyfriends, books, clothes, girlfriends, laughter, sleep. I could count my years by what I've lost. They are numerous, yet less painful by far than losing you. Though really I'm not sure I ever had you. Ever knew you. Did you know me? Did you care? You gave me body and breath. These dark chocolate eyes, bubbling laugh, and milkwhite skin. A dimple just there when I smile. Oh you stole that smile so many times.  See what you made me do? No. Never. Not anything will you be. Were you jealous? I know your own life was so hard and empty. It left your heart the same. You rejoiced when I left. Reveled in finding my car still half full of my things, stealing it away under cover of creeping fog. There was nothing the police could do. It was in both our names. So many things I never saw again, thanks to you. The quilt Grandma made. The doll bed Dad made. Things handcrafted just for me, when you couldn't be bothered to keep a baby book. There were more losses. Fear. Over shoulder looking. Caring for everyone but me. Jumping to please. The fake smile saying I was fine when I was anything but. They took longer to lose, decades. When the facade of your love was gone in an instant. Overnight and over years, I was changed. But one thing I am glad of, I could never lose me.
© Amber Keating, 04.02.18

Heart Space

She is small and mighty
Sitting in the backseat
Choking back tears
Her life depends on it

No desire to go back with them
A house of horrors waits
But the adults decided why
Who said parents know best?

What did she do to deserve this nothing
But she can't know that yet
So she clenches jaw bites tongue
Holds breath to survive

Then sometimes she's in the front seat
Again holding back tears
Staring out the window
Pulling in breath with tiny sips

A woman now who can't discern
Sweet soft moments from
Danger EVERYWHERE every turn
Every feeling a threat she runs while holding still

He can't understand either why she turns away
When he needs something
She can't give anything
Depleted ashamed holding indownupoutaway

Because other men fuck her own mother
Were monsters the very real kind
Wherever she goes there they are
Yellow sick oozing angry wound

Healing happens slowly
Too much goddamn work
Small mighty girl turned
Powerful woman queen

She holds the world in her heart
Every crack sewn back in place
made space for lonely lost unloved unheard
Including herself