You

It's rainy today, all cold and gloom
Like the day I left you
I hardly knew then how badly I needed
To leave
To run free
To scream
Rage flowing from every pore
But today I'm left thinking of
You
Again
Your inability to love anyone but
You
A woman-child
Raising a daughter to be
more woman than herself
Not sure how you did it
Gave me just enough to
Recognize I needed out
Then follow through
I was supposed to watch the kids
But you left with them
And a window appeared
An opportunity I'd never
Thought possible
You thought a mechanical
Error would stop me
You should have known better
Of the lionhearted firebrand
You raised
You ensured I would
always.  find.  my.  way.
I guess I can thank you for that
You
Who couldn't really give anything
You needed so much
That you never got
Thinking maybe I'd give it to
You
And you made it clear you were
Always disappointed
So I kept trying to give what could never fill
Your emptiness
And grasping for what you couldn't give
Until that window opened
Sunshine parting moody sky
For a moment
To light my way
I still cry sometimes
Just like the sky is today
23 years later
I've learned to how to love myself
You
Taught me that
The long way around

© Amber Keating, 03.15.18

Hiding

there lives deep inside
a secret hiding place
to stash ugly, unacceptable
no one warned us
monsters under the bed become
the ones inside our heads and
we shove them
down
    down
         d
            o
               w
                   n
drown them out
immobilized by generations of
endless hide-and-hide
this is the real neverending story
we are digging in the mudshitdebris
why am I so angry?
why am I so sad?
why can't I connect?
why do I keep running?
what was I looking for again?
I DON'T FUCKING KNOW
stop asking questions
i am so. tired.
why am I so tired?
questions never stop
and answers we already know
but cannot abide we've
been carrying this too long
hiding sweeping tucking
holding turning running a-
way
this hiding place is full to bursting
we're all pregnant with pain
bearing our helpless monsters
believing no one else sees
perhaps it's time to birth our
twisted horrors and discover
the exhausted joy of holding
our newest born in loving daylight

~ Amber Keating // 03.11.18

Heart Space

She is small and mighty
Sitting in the backseat
Choking back tears
Her life depends on it

No desire to go back with them
A house of horrors waits
But the adults decided why
Who said parents know best?

What did she do to deserve this nothing
But she can't know that yet
So she clenches jaw bites tongue
Holds breath to survive

Then sometimes she's in the front seat
Again holding back tears
Staring out the window
Pulling in breath with tiny sips

A woman now who can't discern
Sweet soft moments from
Danger EVERYWHERE every turn
Every feeling a threat she runs while holding still

He can't understand either why she turns away
When he needs something
She can't give anything
Depleted ashamed holding indownupoutaway

Because other men fuck her own mother
Were monsters the very real kind
Wherever she goes there they are
Yellow sick oozing angry wound

Healing happens slowly
Too much goddamn work
Small mighty girl turned
Powerful woman queen

She holds the world in her heart
Every crack sewn back in place
made space for lonely lost unloved unheard
Including herself