Melancholy

Maybe I'll write about that friend
I ran a marathon for
Though she was a shit friend
Months of pounding pavement
From dust to mud to glaring sun
And slogging through waist-high water
It's gettin' hot out here let's take off all our clothes
Salty air salty jokes belly laughs by the sea
New friends made because of her
But she was a shit friend and I
Stopped seeking love from shit
So many losses driving this cheerless day
Always looking for why but sadness simply IS
Blanket soggy with tears S-L-O-W-I-N-G
Lowing in pitchy night I wonder at grief
It's hard to lie still and feel
When roaming marathons in the mind
Leave no stone of detail unturned
Each trial now bears a gleaming polish
From decades of churning
Round and round and round we go
Then in creeps pearly fog to remind
Frozen talons hooking ankles, wrists
Colors flat body static no more sprinting
Even racing thoughts can't get it up
No. No. No. Just. No. Be still. Go slow.
Melancholy my intermission

~ Amber Keating, 03.10.18

Hiding

there lives deep inside
a secret hiding place
to stash ugly, unacceptable
no one warned us
monsters under the bed become
the ones inside our heads and
we shove them
down
    down
         d
            o
               w
                   n
drown them out
immobilized by generations of
endless hide-and-hide
this is the real neverending story
we are digging in the mudshitdebris
why am I so angry?
why am I so sad?
why can't I connect?
why do I keep running?
what was I looking for again?
I DON'T FUCKING KNOW
stop asking questions
i am so. tired.
why am I so tired?
questions never stop
and answers we already know
but cannot abide we've
been carrying this too long
hiding sweeping tucking
holding turning running a-
way
this hiding place is full to bursting
we're all pregnant with pain
bearing our helpless monsters
believing no one else sees
perhaps it's time to birth our
twisted horrors and discover
the exhausted joy of holding
our newest born in loving daylight

~ Amber Keating // 03.11.18

Daydreams and Desire

The desire to nap is strong today. I want to lie still.
Float on gusts of glorious brisk air
Like the emerald balloon bopping out of nowhere
In front of my car

A vivid reminder of joyful surprises
As I was being dragged to work
It danced a jig in the middle of the street
Bouncing playfully among us, cars hustling by

My mind wants to float and dance
A bit of air carved out of the whole
Held apart by only this veil of
Rogue elastic atoms

So that it can twirl and spin its own daydream
It can know what it's like for a moment
To be unique
In a sea of sameness

~ Amber Keating // 03.08.18

Chosen

"They, not he."
tilted head taken aback
then… light
                          (and god saw that the light was good)

but first, heart gallops full speed
shitshitshitshitshit
wasthatokayimeanshitusetherightpronounspeople
~ breathe ~

awareness comes in flashes
strobes of dazzling color
in an ink-dark void

be the change name the unspoken
seeitsayitdemandit
respect for the words chosen

~ Amber Keating // 03.07.18

Heart Space

She is small and mighty
Sitting in the backseat
Choking back tears
Her life depends on it

No desire to go back with them
A house of horrors waits
But the adults decided why
Who said parents know best?

What did she do to deserve this nothing
But she can't know that yet
So she clenches jaw bites tongue
Holds breath to survive

Then sometimes she's in the front seat
Again holding back tears
Staring out the window
Pulling in breath with tiny sips

A woman now who can't discern
Sweet soft moments from
Danger EVERYWHERE every turn
Every feeling a threat she runs while holding still

He can't understand either why she turns away
When he needs something
She can't give anything
Depleted ashamed holding indownupoutaway

Because other men fuck her own mother
Were monsters the very real kind
Wherever she goes there they are
Yellow sick oozing angry wound

Healing happens slowly
Too much goddamn work
Small mighty girl turned
Powerful woman queen

She holds the world in her heart
Every crack sewn back in place
made space for lonely lost unloved unheard
Including herself

Chosen

"They, not he."
tilted head taken aback
then… light
                          (and god saw that the light was good)

but first, heart gallops full speed
shitshitshitshitshit
wasthatokayimeanshitusetherightpronounspeople
~ breathe ~

awareness comes in flashes
strobes of dazzling color
in an ink-dark void

be the change name the unspoken
seeitsayitdemandit
respect for the words chosen

~ Amber Keating // 03.07.18

Scared

She says she is scared of
Good
Is it really okay to be
Okay
What happens when sickness no longer
Creeps at every edge
Dis-ease the way of things
What if this smile is really real this time?
No longer a mask of faux-perfection
How will she know
Facade from truth
Can she know?
She was so good
At hiding
She didn't even know herself
Had no clue she was holding up a lie
That shining veneer
Fooled a lot of people
If they noticed a crack in the disguise
She ran
Harder, better, faster, stronger
(words of a favorite song)
When she first met those
Who could behold
The terror behind
Her veil
She was shaken to the core
(Oh, but bury that, QUICK!
Never let them see you scared, crying)
A call to arms for the hidden Self
"Come forth, it's time; the world needs
you, ALL of you"
She laughs and sighs
Smile fades and sadness dances
Across the mirror of her sparkling eyes
Another smile
This one, deep and knowing and mischievous
Even seductive
Scared sometimes of going back,
Yet learning there is no such thing
As back
Only forward
Trusting, knowing
Home is always here

~ Amber Keating // 03.06.18

Book Magic

no one comments on the pile of
books scattered on my floor
each one a world unto itself
much like ourselves
going about our daily business
not really seeing the magic
each contains within
like this one with its blue
and gold cover my college colors
go gauchos!
memories now flooding in
this book about the mind
has indeed shown me mine
without ever flipping its pages

~ Amber Keating // 03.04.18

Ranting

My garage door
An attention whore

Trying to get in
It shuts me out
Needing to leave
Yawning refusal

Buzzing and whining
With inaction
Fuck, not again!
This intermittent dance

It only moves
When it wants
And woe to all
Needing different

We are stuck here
Same old pattern
Trying to move
What cannot be

Story of my life
Is this how it is
For those trying
To move me?

Such a whore
This garage door

~ Amber Keating / 03.03.18